August28
So firstly I must confess, I started this blog page as I had entered a competition to win my dream wedding and I wanted to promote the businesses who were offering the prizes, and to document my journey to help other brides to be when planning their weddings. Unfortunately for our family, we didn’t get that chance and in order to process this in my own mind (and to break the news to my family and friends who I feel I have let down), I thought I would write about it.
I have entered competitions in the past, and most likely I will still continue to try my luck. I guess this is because I am generally an optimistic person, and I hate to pass up opportunities! (either that or I am stupid, and don’t learn from the past!) If you are looking for a blog that gives you advice on how to win competitions, you will not find the answers here! I don’t seem to have good luck in this department, but I have experience in losing, so that I can help with! 
This isn’t to say that I enter large competitions all of the time, far from it! They usually involve a lot of time (which I am always short of!), but if I really and I mean REALLY want it, I will try my best!
The first competition that I remember losing was a modelling competition called ‘Miss Caroline Bay’. Being my first competition and only 16 years old, I was fully positive about winning and thought I had a chance. The chance of winning felt even more possible with the support of my partner and family who were all telling me that I was surely going to win! (bad move 
) I was so certain that I would win by the final heat that I had already pictured myself with the title (and I was very excited I might add!) Now as 3rd place, was called and it wasn’t me, my confidence grew. Then when 2nd place was called, that was it. I KNEW that I MUST of come first! I started to feel very excited, with my acceptance speech already running through my head. When 1st place was announced and it wasn’t me, I was utterly gobsmacked! They must of got it wrong! Everyone said I was going to win! What happened!? I remember at that point feeling totally cheated and that something must be amiss. I later cried, and felt like an idiot. How could I have got it so wrong? I vowed not to enter another competition, as the time and effort that I put in had all gone to waste.
Since then, 18 years of passed as I write this, and the only other main competitions I have entered have been national televised singing competitions, a large modeling competition and this latest dream wedding competition. This latest loss has hit me the hardest. I can only put this down to that I wanted so much to get married after a 19 year relationship and an 8 year engagement! It’s not the simple act of ‘being the winner’ that makes me enter, as I always feel happy for others who win. In this case and others, it’s not even about the prizes as I like to stand on my own two feet. It’s about the opportunity. The chance to be the next New Zealand Idol, or the next Miss Pin-Up NZ or the opportunity to finally get married! (I ended up missing my sister’s wedding when I was in the Pin-Up competition! How bad is that! =( #doubleloss )
The journey: I found out about the competition at the start of May, and spent nearly a month deciding on what to do for my entry, it had to be perfect! Then it took me another month to film and edit our video entry! Phew! I was hoping at that point that we had done enough, as I had spent many, many hours on the video. The top 11 were announced…Yay! We made it! The prize still felt so far away though, but I was sure that we had the best video, so I was still feeling quietly confident. From previous experiences I had learnt not to get excited though. So I was nervous, anxious, worried, but not really excited. Then as the prizes started popping up all over Facebook, I couldn’t help but start to imagine my dream wedding coming true before my eyes. We were then required to put in a paper submission. I had a very busy week that week, attending job interviews and doing relief teaching. My computer had died from making the video, and I ended up only having a couple of hours on the final day sitting in a library to do the written submission. Looking back now, I think that was my undoing. We had to say why we ‘deserved’ our dream wedding. That is a hard one, as EVERYONE deserves their dream wedding! Were they looking to see if we were committed? Did they want a sob story? I wasn’t sure at all, so I just told it like it is, but I tried to remain positive. I am not so good with lovey dovey stuff, and I didn’t want to share my sob story. Some things are best kept private and I didn’t want to embarrass the person involved if the whole world knew. I honestly at that point thought that our story of how we got together and how our relationship lasted all of this time through the good and the bad would be enough. I mean 19 years! That is a long time to wait!!! 
After what felt like forever, we were through to the top 6! Wow, it was getting closer now…we might actually get married! I again began to dream about what could be. Then we found out we had to do a presentation…and we only had a week to plan! It was for the People’s Choice prize (so not the main prize) so I wasn’t really too bothered if I won it or not as I just wanted to get married, but I still wanted to do my best. The criteria was to say why you deserved it in a simple 2 minute speaking presentation, no music or props. So we based our presentation around a cheesy 80’s game show….you know those dating ones where the bachelor is behind a screen and tries to find out what the girl is like, then gasps in horror when he sees her for the first time? Kind of like that, but more of a marriage compatibility test since we are already a couple. I didn’t go over what was in the written presentation again, as like I said, that kind of thing is awkward for me, so I stuck to comedy. Again it so happens that I had a very busy week that week, and didn’t have the time to put into it that I would of liked. After watching the other contestants do their presentations, I thought we had done enough to ….maybe….even…..win! (don’t get your hopes up chicky )
Eek! Now we have to get Facebook votes for People’s Choice…no big deal? Except if I don’t make an effort, I look like I don’t want it enough, but I really do! So I go for it! (while juggling work and kids etc) Hmmmm off to a good start, then the dreaded plateau. Oh well, that’s not even the main prize. No biggie. I will shift focus to promoting the awesome businesses who were giving away the prizes. I was excited to show my friends and family that we may actually get married and how fantastic the wedding would be! (could be?)
“Are you excited?”
“No, I don’t want to get excited. PLEASE don’t let me get excited. I will get let down again.”
Boom…anxiety, lack of sleep, crazy dreams, slight obsession with everything wedding related, children getting excited (STOP!), friends and family getting excited (NO! I will let you all down!), sore tummy, weight loss…….arrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh! Hurry up and be over already!
D-DAY DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!
Messages and phone calls from friends and family are reaching fever pitch! Questions, comments, support, love, likes, shares, amazing friends and amazing strangers…..all trying to help a girl win the wedding of her dreams! (Thanks so much to you all, I love you big time for this! and I’m so sorry! <3 )
Night before…can’t sleep….what if? what if not? what next?
Day of….What am I forgetting? I don’t feel ready? I don’t want to go! I’m not going to win. Nope, I know who is going to win. I should put a bet on who I think the winner is as I know it’s not me. Yip, all over. Oh well, I tried…..
I turn up to the venue….all feelings of hope have completely vanished by now. Nope, it’s not us. I have a gut feeling. Comments start pouring in “Don’t worry if you don’t win etc” Now, IF you don’t win, make sure you…..etc”
That’s it….dreams dashed
Back stage….yeah, nah. Not going to be us
On stage……hmmmm, nope, don’t see it happening.
Prizes announced…..don’t listen to it, you will only feel worse
Second place announced, then I kind of tune out…….
LA LA LA LA I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT LA LA LA LA
Not me….turn to Aaron….I told you
Calm composure, calm composure, smile and nod, keep it together
See Jo….Jo looks sad. I say sorry to Jo. I start to feel tears well up. I see someone else crying. I start to cry. Then Jo cries. Then I hug her. Then I bawl
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I have NEVER felt this gutted Aside from the first modelling comp, I haven’t been too bothered about losing other competitions. Like I expect to lose now. I get to the end, and I give up.
I thought I had prepared myself to lose this one too, but it just felt like “that’s it. we will never get married, EVER”
And as I walked through the venue, I just wanted to run and hide. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was so embarrassed. How stupid did I feel for entering at that point!
Aaron’s Nana arrived, unexpectedly. She hadn’t told me she was coming! She gave me a hug. “I’m so sorry” I said to her, as I could see the disappointment in her face.” She gave me a hug and told me she would make me a wedding dress out of net curtains (so sweet!)
Yes, I have been thinking about it all day, and going through the 5 stages of competition loss: Denial and Isolation, Sadness, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I am up to bargaining at the moment….What if I had done things differently? Would I have then won? Why did I not win? What did I do wrong? Why do I not deserve to get married?
Before Jo went to bed tonight, we both had another wee cry on the couch. I wanted this for her as much as for my fiance and I. Poor baby. She wanted so badly to be a flower girl.
I still can’t call my dad and give him the sad news, maybe tomorrow…
I am now hoping that some way, some how I can make my little girl’s dreams come true, and mine and Mr M’s, and we can have our special day, surrounded by our loving friends and family, with my dad by my side, having the most coolest, funniest, happiest, loveliest day ever! <3
Love from, NZDiva xx
(ps, to all who voted for us and supported us….I’m so sorry! And THANK YOU!!!)
f the other bills looming, how does someone justify spending that much on a wedding? The only way I could justify it would be to get a pay increase, or another part-time job (did I mention having no time?) Life throws curve balls which seem to halt well intended plans, such as unplanned pregnancies, studying, changing career paths, medical bills and the list goes on and on. Without time or money, it is pretty hard to plan a wedding!
this point in my wedding planning, I’m up to Step Four, and the only idea that I have in mind for this is to enter The Block (doh, another competition!) Oh well, worth a shot huh? After that, I’m fresh out of ideas haha!
! 
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